Don't Damage your Child After Seperation and Divorce

It is obvious that separation and divorce can have an adverse effect on the children of a marriage, and while matters are being handled in the courts, or better still, through mediation, there can be particular difficulties facing family relationships. Research shows that it is conflict between parents that harms most children, and not the separation itself; the three most damaging elements of any family break-ups are:

• Ongoing conflict between parents
• Not having a good relationship with one parent
• Poverty

Children usually love both parents, even when the parents no longer love each other. To encourage this to continue, it is important that children have contact with both parents so that their relationship can continue to develop in a healthy and happy way. This is difficult, but not impossible. Also, children need to feel that both parents love them and that they are not pawns in a complex and unforgiving game between adults.

Children frequently feel that they are in some way to blame for a break-up. It is vital that they understand that this is not the case. It is also unhelpful for a parent to blame the other in front of the children as this can lead to confusion and hurt. Parents should try, instead of arguing in front of the children, to tell them what is happening and to keep talking to them about things that affect them

After divorce or separation, it really helps if both parents can try to be flexible and consider the children’s feelings and wishes, as well as the practical convenience of the other parent. It is important to carry out agreed arrangements involving the children – if for any reason this is not possible the other parent should be contacted sooner rather than later.
Maintaining a dialogue between parents is very important; they should talk directly to each other rather than passing messages via the children, who can very easily feel responsible if any disagreement or misunderstanding occurs as a result.

Asking children questions about ex-partners’ private lives or relationships is also damaging; treating privacy with respect can avoid embarrassment and a conflict of loyalties for children. Equally, saying unpleasant things about an ex-partner or his/her new partner or family is likely to upset children – loving both parents should not mean being disloyal to one or other.

Difficult adjustments take time, effort and patience. Often the gentle support of a new partner, who is not overbearing and who respects both parents and their children, can be really helpful in rebuilding family relationships.

This article is sponsored by Raworths Solicitors, Harrogate and Knaresborough. Zoë Robinson is an Advanced Member of Law Society’s Family Law Specialist Panel and can be contacted on 01423 56666 or email zoe.robinson@raworths.co.uk